On a certain level, let’s face it, this is kind of egregious. The Dallas Cowboys had just delighted an entire nation outside of north Texas (as well as their annoying pockets of scattered subway alumni) by being eliminated in the NFL playoffs by the favored San Francisco 49ers Sunday evening.
Now, as we know, the Cowboys are, in many ways, the football version of the Yankees, and within the realm of football they are the professional version of Notre Dame. There are no fan bases more vibrant, alive, passionate and zealous (also, depending on your point of view: annoying, insufferable, irritating and exasperating) than those belonging to the Yankees, the Cowboys and the Fighting Irish.
There is no middle ground. There is no gray area. You either love or you loathe.
And, well, while a delightful (or disturbing) number of Cowboys fans went straight to Twitter after 49ers 19, Cowboys 12 to show the world how many different ways a television can be destroyed in a pique of rage, you sort of assumed that the Cowboys’ own Twitter feed would try to calm the masses and urge the better angels of their nature.
Of course, many years go, Felix Unger taught us what happens when you ass/u/me.
This was posted at 11:58 p.m. Sunday:
@dallascowboys: Dak Prescott gave away the ball twice in the narrow loss to the 49ers, in a matchup the Cowboys had a chance to win if they didn’t generate self-inflicted wounds, #DALvsSF #DallasCowboys
And, well, as we said. Egregious on a certain level.
But on every other level?
Hilarious. Absolutely 100 percent hysterical.
And it is a reminder that the world was denied so much unbridled and uninhibited comedy by the fact that it took until 2009 or so for someone to invent Twitter, and allow someone like poor Dak Prescott to get thrown under not just a bus but by the entirety of the Port Authority, Grand Central and Penn Stations, too.
I mean, the possibilities are just endless.
@TheRealKingGeorgeIII: OMG, Charlie Cornwallis just gave away his sword?!?! SMH! He commands the greatest army Earth has ever known and he just handed his sword away to a bunch of farmers, factory workers and carpenters? #NotMyGeneral #YoullBeBack
One of the greatest movie arguments of all time is which film is better: “The Godfather” or “The Godfather Part 2.” But if Twitter had been a part of the Corleones’ world around 1950 or so, then the doomed middle brother would never have had a prayer of making it to the sequel, where he was an essential piece of the plot.
@IAmFredoIAmSmart: LMAO! My kid brother Mikey has to know better than to come to Las Vegas and talk to a man like Moe Green like that! WTF?! #HelloJohnnyOla #IdRatherBFishing
But of course nothing stirs the imagination more than sports, and what wasn’t and what could have been. Imagine if Twitter had existed on Oct. 3, 1951, in the PR offices at Ebbets Field:
@BrooklynDodgers: Let’s see if we get this straight: Branca can pitch to the green rookie waiting on deck, Mays, and instead he decides to throw a fastball to Thomson? PLMK if you are feeling as sick as we are tonight #ThanksRalph #GiantsRCheaters #NiceYard #WaitTillNextYear
Or this quote tweet at the Orange Bowl in Miami, on Jan. 12, 1969, when the Colts started straggling into the locker room after Super Bowl III and a certain player saw a jubilant tweet from the victors?
@nyjets: Guarantees are real! #WorldChamps #JoeWillieSaidSo
RT: @JohnnyU19: it would be nice if our deaf, dumb and blind coach would’ve noticed after the first six or seven interceptions that the old man, Morrall, didn’t have it today. IDK … maybe put a HALL OF FAMER OUT THERE, Coach Drooler? #DonCantWinTheBigOne #WeChoked
But, of course, there is one untweeted tweet that would’ve set the gold standard. From some unmarked basement room in the Kremlin, Moscow, Feb. 22, 1980:
@USSR/CCCPOfficial: All 20 of you are disgrace to Motherland. What kind of ideet pulls the greatest goaltender in the history of hockey!?!? Enjoy the Siberian Hockey League. #YOLO #WeWillBuryYou