The only certainties in life are death and taxes — and if you’re alive in America today, folks, the latter is knocking on your door.

While taxes predate currency and can be traced to the grain harvests of ancient Egypt, US taxation as we know it dates back to the early 20th century. In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution was ratified, giving those capitalist pigs in Congress the authority to tax all incomes.

The OG filing deadline was March 1, but in 1918, the powers that be changed it to the Ides of March before finally landing on April 15 in the year of our overlords, 1955, ostensibly to allow citizens more time to prepare.

Eternal eye roll.

In terms of the zodiac, the tax-filing style and return spending are reflective of the general energy of each sign — Gemini filed an extension because they misplaced their W2; Scorpio is busy burying assets in an offshore account and cash in their family plot; Aquarius hasn’t filed in years, believes that currency is a fetid social construct and can’t be traced to a known address; Libra got married for the incentives; Cancer lied about their charitable donations; and Capricorn filed early.

In the fray and the finances, three signs among us are more inclined to doom-spend the pittance they get from that swindling top hat, Uncle Sam.

In the fray and the finances, three signs among us are more inclined to doom-spend the pittance they get from that swindling top hat, Uncle Sam.

Because our Venus sign rules our concepts of wealth and worth, read for sun, rising, and Venus.

Happy spending!

Actual footage of an Aries with their tax return. deagreez – stock.adobe.com

With a retrograde and eclipse in their sign this month, Aries folk are going through it and should be forgiven for doom-spending their tax return with impulse and flourish. Down payment on a motorcycle they are not licensed to drive or a welding starter kit they will never use?

Flame decals for their minivan? Tickets to a cage match? Gaudy AF merch from their local fight club? Swinging for the fences and burning every red cent, you do you, Aries.

Smoke ’em if you got ’em, and spend it like you stole it, Sagittarius. Wayhome Studio – stock.adobe.com

Sagittarius is ruled by good luck and good-times planet Jupiter. The general vibe of Jupiter is that more is more, and abundance is always available, thus scarcity becomes a foreign concept.

Sag spends it like they stole it because they genuinely believe they will always have enough, and why buy stocks when you can buy drugs? Why invest in the future when you can experience the now? If Ram Dass wrote it, Sagittarius can spin it into a way to justify their questionable behavior and errant spending.

Money = confetti to Pisces. Syda Productions – stock.adobe.c

Pisces is the sign of the ephemeral, the diluted, and the perpetually daydreaming. When that tax return cash hits their account, it feels like free money on a rainy day, and they spend it as such — a case of champagne, a lump sum donation to PETA, a fat stack left in the yawning garter belt of a midnight ballerina, ketamine therapy, an inflatable slide, and a glitter gun. You can’t force fun, but you can buy magic, folks.

Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, a “girl’s guide” to strip clubs, and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.

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