Listen up, parents.
Child psychologist Reem Raouda has studied over 200 parent-child relationships — and is a mother herself.
Raouda says she has the solution to children who refuse to follow orders, helping to build long-term cooperation in kiddos.
“I always tell parents that if their default is yelling or threatening, then no ‘magic phrase’ will undo the deeper pattern,” Raouda wrote in a CNBC article. “But when you regularly protect your child’s dignity, make them feel safe, and follow through on boundaries, listening becomes the natural outcome.”
Raouda shared that children listen best when they feel connected, and emotional safety plays a huge role in that. Kids need to know they are respected and can freely express their feelings and emotions.
She revealed six “magic phrases” that will calm a child’s nervous system and make their cooperation feel natural, which is the “real secret” to getting kids to listen to those in charge, Raouda wrote.
‘I believe you’
Telling your child that you believe them will allow you to discuss their behavior without arguing. For example, if a child says they didn’t drop something on purpose, you can say, “I believe you. Let’s clean it up together.”
According to Raouda, the second kids feel doubted, they get defensive and switch from feeling connected into self-protection mode.
Saying “I believe you” diminishes shame and gives the child a safe space. “When a child feels safe, they can actually hear you,” Raouda said.
‘Let’s figure this out together’
Additionally, when a child helps out when solving a problem, they’re more likely to get a hold on the solution compared to when a parent is snapping orders.
Telling your child, “Let’s figure this out together,” helps keep that boundary while averting power struggles and dynamics.
Children who are overwhelmed and having a meltdown are in survival mode, and logic doesn’t click with them in the moment. Their nervous system goes into fight-or-flight.
‘You can feel this’
Rather than saying, “Stop crying, you’re overreacting,” Raouda advises saying, “You can feel this, I’m right here” to validate their feelings and help them know they’re not alone. When the big emotions pass, they’ll be ready to re-engage.
‘I’m listening’
In the same vein, children need to feel heard if they’re going to listen. Saying something like, “I’m listening. Tell me what’s going on,” will shift the attention back to them. Kids who feel understood stop trying to push back.
This tactic allows you to figure out the hurt and reason behind the anger so you can help address it properly.
‘I hear you’
“I hear you. I’m on your side” is another phrase that helps children feel understood and will lower defenses.
Just knowing you’re there for them will change the tone of the situation and opens the door to solve the issue.
‘I’ve got you, no matter what’
When kids hear the phrase “I’ve got you, no matter what,” you’re letting them know your love is unconditional — not reliant on perfection.
This shows the difference between fear-based compliance and real accountability, Raouda said.
