If your mother-in-law is giving you Livia Soprano or Bunny MacDougal vibes, take a beat before you snap back with a zinger you can’t take back.
Marriage and family therapist Sara M. Klein, LMFT, says the key to dealing with a meddling MIL is to bite your tongue — and when in doubt, play it like a National Geographic docuseries.
“One strategy I might use,” Klein recently told PureWow in an interview, “is to pretend you are an anthropologist and just observe and describe. This will help with judgments.”
Rather than rolling your eyes when she criticizes your holiday traditions — which will most likely happen — Klein suggests saying something like, “It’s interesting that your family does holidays this way,” or “Their family has rituals that I never did growing up.”
If you’re tempted to drop a snarky “That’s your son’s decision” when your mother-in-law keeps intruding in your marriage, Klein warns against deflecting responsibility.
“Blame and shame are not effective relationally. They shut people down, and there is no space in between,” Klein told the outlet.
Instead, she suggests saying, “We made a decision about this and we are happy to discuss our thought process with you.”
When it comes to parenting, the expert explained that it’s normal to want to parent differently from how your in-laws raised their children.
And statements like “We’ll never do that with our children” can feel like a direct critique of how your in-laws raised your spouse.
Instead, try: “We’re trying to limit screen time while the kids are little — it’s just what’s feeling right for us right now. But who knows, ask me again in six months,” Klein explained.
According to a 2021 study published in “Evolutionary Psychological Science,” the whole “monster-in-law” stereotype may be a product of evolutionary wiring.
Researchers found that 44% of people reported more conflict with their mothers-in-law than with their own mothers, largely over financial resources and child care.
“This genetic conflict may cause affines (in-laws) to disagree about the distribution of resources and investment, just as we see mothers and fathers disagreeing in these domains,” the study authors wrote.
They also noted that these conflicts are likely heightened because in-laws “do not choose to have relationships with one another” but are thrown together as “unintended consequences” of their children’s romantic entanglements.
Meanwhile, Dr. Terri Apter, a Cambridge University psychologist and author of “What Do You Want From Me?” believes that much of the conflict between wives and mothers-in-law is fueled by both women striving to be the “primary woman” in their respective families.
“Each tries to establish or protect their status. Each feels threatened by the other,” Apter wrote in her book.
