Enough of that.
Experts often reassure couples that an occasional disagreement is normal in a healthy relationship. Although a little back and forth here and there is expected — there’s supposedly a way to do it without it turning disastrous.
Harvard professor, Julia Minson, leads a team of psychologists, negotiation scholars and computational linguists. After years of extensive research, the brainiac group found that people should focus on changing their own behavior — rather than trying to convince someone else to change how they think or feel when getting into a heated discussion.
“One of the easiest behaviors to change is the words that you say,” she wrote in an article for The Conversation.
After analyzing hot topic disagreements between people, Minson and her team discovered a communication style called “conversational receptiveness” — which consists of words and phrases that lead to a more positive outcome during an argument.
The acronym H.E.A.R. makes it easy to remember and apply this healthy approach to disputes.
H stands for “hedge your claims.” Minson advises people to be confident in their beliefs, even if they assume others will doubt them.
E stands for “emphasizes agreement.” You can’t come out of the gate hot, so finding some common ground with your loved one is always key, the team of experts said.
A stands for “Acknowledge the opposing perspective.” Make sure the other person in the argument feels heard so they know you are actually listening and understanding where they’re coming from with their view on things.
R stands for “Reframing to the positive.” Minson suggests people remove negative, definitive words from their argument. There’s no need for shouting “no” or “won’t” when going back and forth with your partner.
But before you even reach into your healthy communication toolbox, writer Rachel Bowie believes that the key to sparing yourself from going in circles with your significant other is to “always assume good intentions.”
“The reason this phrase works when your spouse is driving you crazy is kinda obvious,” she wrote in an essay for PureWow.
“The act of assuming good intentions serves as a reminder that we are, in fact, in tricky situations together, allowing us to reframe a messy moment and reminding me to pause, back up and put myself in my spouse’s shoes,” she wrote.
Adopting the mindset of “‘OK, before I blow my lid off, perhaps there’s more to the story here? Maybe it was a hard afternoon. Maybe the baby started crying halfway into a game of Trouble. Maybe my husband deserves a bit of grace,’” Bowie wrote.
She emphasized in her essay that it’s “more about making room for productive and thoughtful conversation, reducing conflict and achieving an improved way forward together…”
