DEAR ABBY: Our nephew “Conrad” is engaged to be married soon. For several reasons, we are unable to attend the wedding. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t hesitate to send a generous gift as I have for our other nieces and nephews. However, Conrad is not normal. He doesn’t speak to me, my husband or our children, two of whom are his age. We have never done anything to offend him, as far as I know, and it’s not just our family. He also ignores other specific family members.
Conrad’s mother describes him as “the kindest” and “most loving” person. However, we have never seen that side of him. We have witnessed only narcissism and rudeness. He speaks only to those he thinks elevate his status or make him look good in some way. If, according to Conrad, we do not exist, are we still obligated to send a wedding gift? — INVISIBLE IN THE SOUTHERN PLAINS
DEAR INVISIBLE: Are you certain you will receive a wedding invitation from this nephew? Technically, if you don’t attend, you’re not required to give him anything. However, in light of the fact that you have been generous to your other nieces and nephews, it might be more diplomatic to send a less expensive token gift to mollify his parents.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 10 years. For the first three years, I tried to get closer to my in-laws but was told I wasn’t welcome. I knew they didn’t like me, but I tried my hardest to win them over because family is important to me. In the end, I was asked to leave their house. My husband was on my side, but I realized I couldn’t separate him from his family. So, for seven years he’s had the support of his family and mine.
One of his siblings is now sick, and it’s looking grim. I do not feel my presence is required at the funeral as no one in his family likes me. Am I wrong? Anytime I run into his family, they are confrontational. — STAYING AWAY IN ILLINOIS
DEAR STAYING AWAY: Ask your husband if he would like your emotional support at his sibling’s funeral. Bear in mind that funerals do not bring out the best in some people, and your in-laws will be no exception. Then do as your husband requests but have a quick getaway plan in place in case you need to leave.
DEAR ABBY: Two of our children are planning a European vacation with their families. My wife is upset because they didn’t invite her and stated bluntly that she’s not welcome to join them. How can we convince her not to take their decision personally? — MAYBE NEXT TIME IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR MAYBE: Surely your wife is mature enough to understand that when a young family takes a trip, she should not expect to be automatically included? They are entitled to some time to make memories together. If she insists on taking it personally, there is nothing you can do to convince her, so let her sulk it out.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
