DEAR ABBY: My brother “Joey” married a woman, “Allie,” who is mentally unstable. Every couple of months, she loses her temper at me or one of my family members. It’s extremely disruptive and upsetting. She has been diagnosed with type 1 bipolar disorder as well as borderline personality disorder. Joey recognizes her behavior is inappropriate but can’t seem to control her.
We usually ignore her and let some time pass until she calms down, but sometimes it’s hard to turn the other cheek when she yells and makes personal attacks toward us. The most recent blow-up occurred while they were visiting my parents’ home. Allie is pregnant with their first baby, and the day after the visit, Allie called my mom yelling at her that their house is “toxic” due to clutter and dust. She said being in their home is “harming their unborn baby.” My parents’ house is not a health hazard. Yes, there is some clutter, but they’ve raised five kids in that house and have lived there for almost 40 years.
Is there any way we can have a meaningful relationship with Joey and Allie? I’m worried they’re never going to let us see their baby. — TIPTOEING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TIPTOEING: Allie has dual-diagnosis mental illness. If she’s receiving meds for her bipolar disorder, it may be controlled. If she realizes her explosive reactions are over the top and is receiving psychotherapy for borderline personality disorder, you may be able to have a relationship with your niece or nephew. But understand that BPD is a difficult illness to treat. Unless Allie is open to treatment, your brother should think twice about having more children with her because their marriage may not last.
DEAR ABBY: A longtime friend of mine, “Barbara,” is kind enough to let me stay at her home when I visit her town a couple of times a year. She has another close (out-of-town) friend, “Helene,” who stays with her more often. Lately, it has become apparent that Helene is our complete political opposite, so much so that I no longer feel comfortable being around her.
Because our visits often overlap, my first impulse is to make arrangements to stay elsewhere. However, I don’t want to offend Barbara, who denies that Helene is an extremist, despite evidence to the contrary. Is there any graceful way to ask Barbara to alert me if Helene will be around so I may make other lodging arrangements? — AVOIDANT OUT WEST
DEAR AVOIDANT: Because your friend Barbara continues to deny that Helene is an extremist, in spite of evidence to the contrary, it is possible that her political views are closer to those of Helene’s than you think. It may be time to level with Barbara and explain that Helene’s views are offensive to you and ask if she’d be willing to tell you if Helene will be there when you plan to visit so you can make other arrangements for lodging.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
