The new ‘it guy’ is not mysterious. He’s not leaving you on read for 14 hours to “seem busy.” And he certainly isn’t pretending he forgot your date was tonight.
He’s what the kids call chalant.
The made-up dating term — essentially the opposite of nonchalant — is taking off across today’s dating scene, with women increasingly declaring that they want a man who is openly interested, emotionally available and, dare we say, enthusiastic.
In other words: Forget playing it cool. New Yorkers want men who actually give a damn.
Think Travis Kelce cheering loudly for Taylor Swift at her concerts or Tom Holland gushing over Zendaya at their movie premieres — men who seem perfectly comfortable being publicly obsessed with the women they love.
For New Yorker Jason Henley, 34, being openly obsessed is kind of the point.
Henley has been with his girlfriend, Hannah Alderman, 32, for nearly four years — and has happily abandoned the idea that romance should be kept under wraps.
“I absolutely identify as a ‘chalant’ man,’” Henley told The Post.
Henley said he once felt pressure to play it cool because modern dating can make genuine affection feel “cringe.”
“I’ve felt pressure to play it cool when dating as a man. I think it’s hard not to when everything is labeled ‘cringe’ nowadays,” he said.
But after nearly four years with Alderman, he has little interest in pretending not to care.
“But I’m also 34 and 4 years into the best relationship of my life so I’ve given way to all that comes with ‘corny’ and romance and the softness of being tender in public and on social media,” he said.
“It feels good to be proud of the person I’m with and to let the world know it from the top of the mountain that my heart is hers to have,” he said.
His Gothamite girlfriend is very much on board.
Alderman said she had dated nonchalant partners in the past and never stopped wanting the kind of passionate romance she grew up watching.
“I find it ironic that as young girls, we grow up watching Disney movies or rom coms where women are quite literally treated as princesses. Then, as we grow up and get older, some of that whimsy starts to fade and we settle for mediocre love along the way,” Alderman told The Post.
These days, she knows exactly what she wants.
“A ‘chalant’ partner looks like someone who gives a damn. He shows up no matter what. He loves me out loud and isn’t afraid to be perceived as corny,” Alderman told The Post.
For her, that openness translates into security.
“It means feeling absolutely secure in the relationship and having a solid foundation of trust. We talk through things, make each other feel celebrated, and can admit when we are wrong,” she said.
Henley believes ‘chalant’ dating also requires being comfortable with vulnerability — not simply showering someone with attention.
“I think being ‘chalant’ comes from being in touch with a more feminine energy in yourself, a side that is softer and more lighthearted, a more whimsical, je ne sais quoi energy that grounds you in your ability to be unafraid of your emotions and your softness,” he said.
For Henley, that is a far cry from the situationship-heavy dating culture he encountered before meeting Alderman.
“I’ve always felt like the modern situationship environment that dating is feels so toned down and lacking in any kind of substance,” he said.
And the couple isn’t alone in wanting to retire the dating games.
NYC dating coach Niko Emanuilidis, who has built a following teaching men how to cultivate what he calls “daddy energy,” is firmly on Team Chalant.
As Emanuilidis previously told The Post, “Daddy energy is all about being your most authentic self.”
Now, he thinks the era of deliberately withholding affection has officially run its course.
In a recent TikTok, Emanuilidis declared that “The nonchalant dating approach needs to end in 2026.”
The distinction, he argues, is that showing interest is only unattractive when it comes from insecurity and neediness. A confident man, by contrast, can tell a woman he likes her because he’s not terrified of what happens if she doesn’t feel the same way.
He later summed up the trend even more simply: “We need less nonchalantness in dating and more ‘chalantness.’”
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist and relationship expert at Hily Dating App, thinks that an appetite for open affection is a reaction to years of defensive dating.
“Chalant dating is resonating with so many young daters right now because people are fed up with the defensive and withholding dating cultural standard,” Romanoff told The Post.
“Without taking a risk, showing your interest or care, it’s impossible to truly make a connection.”
And in a dating world where potential matches are only a swipe away, playing hard to get may actually make you easier to forget.
“With the ease of access for potential new connections, playing hard to get is no longer effective, and in fact may make it easier for a partner to overlook you,” she said.
There’s also a psychological payoff to knowing exactly where you stand.
“The most important benefit of dating someone who is ‘chalant’ is that it’s emotionally safe and calming,” Romanoff said.
“Someone who is ‘chalant’ tells you where they stand, makes their interest in you known, and in turn, doesn’t keep you constantly guessing or on your toes.”
Because sure, the romantic rollercoaster can be thrilling. But eventually, you’re going to want to get off.
“Having to guess if they’re in or out may seem exciting initially, but that rollercoaster gets old quickly, and eventually you’ll want off that ride,” Romanoff said.
Still, there is a line between chalant and please-call-my-mother-I-have-lost-the-plot.
Romanoff cautioned that too much enthusiasm too quickly can cross into love-bombing or boundary-pushing. Her prescription for early dating? Show interest without abandoning your own life.
Her advice is simple: Don’t manufacture delayed texts or pretend you’re too busy to care. Tell someone you enjoy spending time with them — then see what they do with that information.
“Do they get turned off? Good! This saves you so much time. Do they meet your ‘chalant’ with their own? Good, now you know you’re on the same page,” Romanoff said.
For fellow New Yorker Jae Marie, 31, the appeal of ‘chalant’ dating is less about bouquets and more about whether a man is actually paying attention.
Marie said that when she was younger, “going with the flow” seemed like the default dating strategy. But that laissez-faire approach eventually became synonymous with endless situationships and men who had no idea what they wanted.
Now, she wants intentionality.
Her definition of a ‘chalant’ man is perhaps the most Big Apple-specific test of all: If he can memorize sports statistics, he can remember your java order.
“If you can tell me what the score was for the Giants game week 2 last year and how many yards whoever rushed, you should be able to remember what my coffee order is,” Marie said.
She’s not asking for a private jet or a reservation at Eleven Madison Park.
She wants someone who watches the reels she sends, waits to watch a show together, comes to her open mic night and remembers that she hates coconut.
NYC denizen Alexis R. Posey, 40, learned that lesson after years of dating emotionally unavailable partners.
For a long time, she “didn’t even recognize nonchalance as a pattern.”
When she finally met someone direct and intentional online, her first instinct was to wonder if it was too good to be true.
Then he did something she considered remarkable: He sent her a photo of his ID before they met in person, so someone could check on her if needed.
“That is what chalant looks like to me. Not grand gestures. Just someone who thought about me before I got there,” Posey said.
Ilana Schachter, 25, said she spent years navigating people who treated emotional detachment as a dating strategy, leaving her wondering where she stood and feeling like she was doing the emotional heavy lifting.
Now she wants consistency over coolness.
She also thinks celebrity couples like Swift and Kelce have helped make visible affection feel less embarrassing.
“For a long time, dating culture often suggested that whoever cared less had more power,” Schachter said.
“Now, I think more people are realizing that genuine confidence comes from being emotionally available and intentional, not from pretending you don’t care.”
